Malchik Gay
by The Nurse Who Loved Me
Summary: A story of unrequited love, hate, vengeance and tragedy. Bam and Ville are together but Jussi is still desperately in love with Ville and would do almost anything to get Ville back. Rated M
1. Prelude

**Prelude**

_Malchik gay_

_Handsome_

_Tender_

_Soft_

_Why do you look right through me_

_Thinking, "No"_

_I can't deny my feelings_

_Growing strong_

_I try to keep believing_

_Dreaming on_

_And every time I see you_

_I crave more_

_I wanna pull you closer_

_Closer_

_Closer_

_Closer…_

_But you leave me feeling frozen_

_Malchik gay_

_I can be_

_All you need_

_Won't you please_

_Stay with me_

_Malchik gay_

_Apologies, might-have-been's_

_Malchik gay_

_Can't erase what I feel_

_Malchik gay_

_Choking_

_Back emotion_

_I try to keep on hoping_

_For a way;_

_A reason for us both to_

_Come in, close_

_I long for you to hold me_

_Like your boyfriend does_

_And though my dream is_

_Slowly fading_

_I want to be the object_

_Object_

_Object_

_Object…_

_Of your passion but it's hopeless_

_Malchik gay_

_I can be_

_All you need_

_Won't you please_

_Stay with me_

_Malchik gay_

_Apologies, might-have-been's_

_Malchik gay_

_Can't erase what I feel_

_Malchik gay_

******Authors Note: This song is "Malchik Gay" by Tatu. It should be noted that "Malchik Gay" translates from the Russian version "Mal'chik Gey" which means "Gay Boy" (something that is probably quite relevant to the lyrics and the fic).**

****

I realise this is set out in the same kind of way as Säde (if you haven't gotten that far, that's another one of my Vamfics), but trust me, I'm doing it this way because I think it will make it that little bit more awesome – plus it's just how I roll P Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 1

**Authors note: If something is in italics _like this _it means it's in Finnish. It's easier for everyone this way because then I don't have to translate it somehow (and worry about botched up translations), you don't have to wonder what it means and I won't offend any Finnish people lol  
**

**Chapter 1**

"**For love I would do anything, for you I would do more."**

I don't know what time it was, early in the morning I'm sure, but I wasn't tired. Everyone went to bed a few hours ago but I stayed on the couch to keep watching movies in the dark. I sighed as I rolled onto my side – this wasn't the most exciting movie ever made, but I couldn't be bothered getting up to put something else on. I looked away from the TV when I heard someone walking down the hallway. I smiled when Ville came into view.

"_Good morning_," I said, almost whispering.

"Hello Jussi, are you still awake?" Ville replied as he leant on the wall with his arms folded.

I never understood why Ville spoke in English so much. I could understand because it is an international language and all, but I would have thought that because we were both Finnish he would have at least spoken to me in Finnish. When he spoke to me in English it always made me feel obligated to reply to him in English. I suppose I didn't really mind anyway, speaking in English seemed like a small thing to do for Ville to see him happy, even if it was just for a while and over something almost insignificant.

"Yeah, I'm not tired so I just stayed up." I replied in English as I sat up on the edge of the couch.

I was still speaking quietly because I knew everyone else was asleep, and I was conscious of the fact that if I spoke loudly I might wake them up. I wasn't entirely concerned with waking the other people in the house, but if I didn't wake anyone else up then I would have more time to spend alone with Ville.

"How come you are awake?" I asked Ville. If it was possible my accent had gotten thicker because I'd just spent a few months in Finland, so my English was a bit out of practice.

Ville shrugged, "I couldn't sleep either."

"Something wrong?" I asked him, genuinely concerned.

There was something that had changed since the last time I saw Ville; he looked really tired and maybe even a little sick. He looked so sad that I could hardly bear it. I patted the space next to me with my hand.

"Come here, Ville. Come and talk to Jussi." I said, trying to encourage him to come and sit with me.

Ville smiled slightly as he quietly walked over to the couch. He sat down next to me so that there was barely any space between us. He sighed as he rested his head on my shoulder. Neither of us spoke, I just watched him as he absentmindedly looked at the floor. The silence between us wasn't uncomfortable at all; we both knew that before we could have an in depth conversation about Ville's troubles we both needed to collect our thoughts, it was better to know exactly what we were going to say before we said anything at all.

I didn't know what Ville was thinking about, but I knew what I was thinking. I've always known why Ville was so sad because he talked to me all the time about his problems. My poor Ville, he's had so many things going on in his life. He's been with Bam for a couple of years now, but it was always an inside thing – the public and media don't know, and they probably never will. Ville had talked to me in the past about his relationship with Bam, and I had to confess that it wasn't the best relationship I'd ever seen. It made me so angry when Ville talked about things that Bam said and did, because I know that Ville got so depressed and I couldn't help but to think that I could make Ville so much happier than what Bam did. Bam constantly hurt Ville and didn't even realise that he did. When he did realise that he'd done and said things to hurt Ville, he wasn't even sorry for it, and I hated him for that. Bam and I were friends until I realised what he did to Ville, but he probably didn't even know that I resented him now. God, he was so fucking self-centred.

Ville closed his eyes and sighed again. I gently ran my fingers through his hair. I looked at his hair and smiled. I turned my attention to his face because he was still looking at the floor. He looked sad, maybe even sadder than he usually looked.

"What's wrong, Ville? I know you and I can tell when something is wrong." I asked him as I continued to run my fingers through his long wavy hair.

I watched Ville as he started idly playing with the rings on his fingers. I could tell he was trying to formulate a way to smoothly tell me what was wrong – he didn't like to start saying something and then stopping to try and think of how to reword it. I never minded waiting for him to get the words right in his head before he said them to me. I had all the time in the world for Ville.

Ville lifted his head off of my shoulder and sat up straight. He stopped touching his rings and sighed again as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Bam and I had a fight the other day." Ville said sadly.

I had only gotten to Castle Bam this afternoon and this was my first night here. I didn't realise that Bam and Ville had a fight before I got here.

"You mean you had a fight before I got here today?" I asked, trying to gain some clarity on the situation at hand.

Ville nodded without saying anything. I could tell something had really gone down because Ville was looking at the ground again. Normally when we talked about things like this he always made eye contact so he could see my reaction to certain things he said. Ville couldn't even look me in the face at the moment, and that really worried me. I tried to soothe Ville by gently running my hand over his back. I'd only just noticed that Ville was wearing a jumper. I vaguely saw it when he walked into the room, but I had been too busy looking at his gorgeous face to really acknowledge it. It didn't seem odd that he had a jumper on, sure, it wasn't his normal attire; but I didn't really question it.

"What did you fight about?" I asked Ville quietly.

If it had been anyone else who I was having this talk with I probably wouldn't have asked that, but I knew Ville enough to know that he wouldn't mind me asking. Ville slumped onto the back of the couch and let his head fall back. He sighed again and turned his head toward me. I looked into his eyes as he spoke, his hurt eyes made me feel so miserable. I could feel how empty he felt in my own body when he looked at me with those sad eyes.

"It was um…" Ville cut his sentence off when he gasped, trying not to cry.

I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"It's okay, Ville. _It's okay._" I whispered to him.

Ville put his hand over his face and started sobbing. I kissed his cheek and tried to pull him into a hug. He turned his body to face me so that I could hug him properly, and then buried his face into my shirt and kept crying.

"_Don't cry, Ville. Please don't be upset._" I murmured softly as I placed my hand on the back of his head. I ran my other hand over his back to try and comfort him.

I began speaking to Ville in Finnish because I was hoping that if he replied in it I might get more answers from him. I figured that as long as he spoke in English he would be worried that Bam would overhear what he said, and Ville wouldn't tell me what was really going on with him and Bam if he thought there was a chance that Bam might hear him.

Ville pulled away from me and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper.

"_I'm sorry, Jussi. I feel so stupid when I offload this stuff onto you, it's not your responsibility to try and deal with my shit._" Ville said apologetically.

"_Don't say that, you know I like to have talks with you so I can try to help._" I replied and smiled softly at him. I tried to keep my eyes looking warm and inviting so that Ville wouldn't detect the anger I was feeling from thinking about Bam upsetting him.

Ville nodded and wrapped his arms around his waist. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He opened his eyes again, looked at me briefly and then looked back down to the black, shiny couch that we were on. I didn't say anything; I knew that he would tell me what was wrong as soon as he was ready to. I looked down at the couch too; I didn't want to make Ville feel like I was staring at him.

"_We had a fight this morning because of something he said…_" Ville huffed.

I looked back up at Ville's face, the built up frustration from the fight had passed, now all I could see in his eyes was the hurt he was feeling. I could see exactly how much he was hurting and it made my heart wrench. It was horrible seeing Ville like this – he deserved so much more than this.

"_What did he say?_" I asked, still looking into his pained eyes.

Ville looked around the dark room. I watched the shadows jumping on his face from the light of the TV. Ville looked at the TV briefly and then back to the couch. I could tell he was thinking of every possible way to say what he wanted to say before he said anything. A lot of people would have been uncomfortable with this length of silence, but for two Finnish people, it was considered normal. Finns place a high level of regard on words – once words are said they can't be taken back, and you should always say what you mean.

"_He got angry because I said something about the drugs he uses, I wouldn't normally have said anything but_ _I mean, it was like early in the morning and he was already…_" Ville's voice trailed off before he finished what he was saying. Fear and anger were setting in as he tried to tell me what had happened. I could see his eyes welling up with tears again.

I placed my hand on his shoulder to show him that I was there for him because I could see he was getting upset. Ville exhaled deeply, trying to compose himself.

"_What does he use?_" I asked Ville quietly.

"_Speed…it's just turned from one thing to another you know, alcohol to pot to this…_" Ville paused for a moment, "_He just gets so angry…when he's on it, when he's not on it… there's no real difference anymore."_

"_I've never seen you guys fight like this before…_" I replied calmly.

"_Oh, it's gotten so much worse…_" Ville sobbed helplessly, "_He just gets angry for no reason sometimes and then we end up fighting again because of it_!"

I looked deeply into Ville's eyes, seeing him this distressed was so unusual, even when he's upset he's normally really tranquil. I sighed shallowly so that Ville wouldn't notice the thoughts that reluctantly came to my mind. I didn't want to ask Ville about some of the things I was thinking, but I couldn't deny that the evidence to back them up was right there in front of me.

"_Ville…" _I began to say slowly, "_I don't like to think things like I am… but I have to know because I'm worried about you…"_

Ville held his stare on me; he was visibly tense about where this conversation was going. I sighed more deeply this time so he could see my reluctance to ask questions like the one I was going to ask.

"_Ville, I don't mean to be rude or…" _I stopped for a brief second to try and think of the right words to use, "_or to ask something too personal or anything like that, but I just need to know, just to put my mind at ease or to confirm something – I don't know but…" _

Ville could see that I was starting to ramble because I was nervous so he cut me off.

"_What do you want to know, Jussi?_" he asked me quietly.

"_Has Bam ever… hurt you?" _I asked him cautiously, hoping that he wouldn't get angry with me for asking.

To my surprise Ville didn't get angry, but he didn't answer me either. He just looked down at the couch again, completely motionless.

"_I'm sorry Ville I…"_ I started to apologise to Ville because I thought I'd upset him.

"_It's okay_…" Ville barely whispered, "_You were right in thinking what you did_."

I almost gasped when Ville said that. I didn't want to appear shocked because I might have distressed or upset him. I didn't want him to think he was doing something wrong by confiding in me.

"_You mean… he has?_" I asked worriedly, leaning forward so that I could hear him reply because he'd started speaking barely louder than a whisper.

Ville nodded desolately and then looked up at me again.

"_I mean it's not anything terrible, like don't get mad over it or anything, it's nothing to worry about, Jussi_." Ville said, looking desperately into my eyes to try and see what my reaction would be to what he'd told me.

"_I don't know what to say to you, Ville, because I'm really worried for you._" I replied, still slightly in shock. I could feel anger building up inside of me.

I'd started resenting Bam a long time ago because he had Ville in a way in which I didn't. I've always wanted Ville, I've been in love with him for such a long time but Bam got him and just takes that for granted. Bam didn't even realise how fucking lucky he was. Ville is an amazingly beautiful person and Bam treated Ville like crap. Needless to say: I hated Bam. Any excuse to punch him in the face before now would have done, but this… this was just something else altogether. God help him if he did anything to upset Ville while I was here.

"Don't be…" Ville said placidly.

Ville appeared to be a lot calmer now, but I could still see the sorrow trapped in his eyes. I felt my heart wrench inside my chest again.

"Come here, Ville." I said sadly as I held out my arms to Ville.

Ville crawled forward and let me enclose him in my embrace. After a moment Ville shifted his weight so that he was on his side. He pushed gently on my chest to indicate for me to lay down. As I slowly laid down on the couch he followed, still on his side. I laid on my back with my arm up so that he could lay at my side with my chest and shoulder there to support his head. He laid down next to me with his head on the side of my chest and his hands resting close to his face. I lowered my arm around him and rested my hand on the side of his ribcage. I ran my hand up and down his side to soothe him into sleep. I looked down at Ville's face and his eyes were already closed. The emotional drainage from the talk we just had would have made anyone tired. I grimaced slightly when I moved my hand just below his rib cage – the ditch between his rib cage and pelvis was so deep, even for a man as thin as he was. I guessed that he must have lost weight since the last time I saw him. Ville stretched and pushed his arm across my chest. I looked at his face again and he was still asleep. I sighed quietly and put my hand on his outstretched one. Looking more closely now I could see that his hands had gotten thinner too; his fingers were thinner and you could see more bones protruding from his hand.

I noticed that his sleeve had rolled up a bit when he'd sluggishly stretched his arm over me. I moved my arm from around his waist so I could use both hands to pull his jumper sleeve back down without waking him. I put one hand under his and lifted it enough to pull the other sleeve back down with my free hand, but before I did I noticed something. I rolled his arm slightly outward so I could see the inside of his wrist and arm. It was admittedly hard to see properly when the only light in the room was from the TV, but I was sure I could see cuts on his arm. I look a little closer than I had before, yes, definitely cuts. My stomach sunk when I realised that they were self-inflicted. I could tell just by looking at the amount there was and the symmetry that they all had; the same lengths, the same distance apart – the only difference was the age, some were barely scar tissue and some were new, very new.

I wasn't stupid; I knew that all of this was probably his reaction to Bam's behaviour. Ville had never been one for the melodramatic, but Bam had never made him feel so miserable before. People do stupid and strange things when they're on drugs, and some people do very harsh things as a result of that stupid and strange behaviour. Addiction and depression can have the most dangerous effects on people.

I pulled Ville's sleeve back down and put my arm back around his waist again. I had never felt so hurt in my life. It was one thing for Bam to make Ville feel this way to begin with, but to find out that Ville is hurting himself over Bam? I felt betrayed. If it was even possible I think I hated Bam even more. I couldn't even begin to fully explain how I felt about Bam at that point in time, but knowing what I did now, to put it nicely – I hoped that he choked.

**Authors Note - For the record: I haven't written in first person before, so this is a first for me (I did go through and try to pick out all the tenses that I got wrong and fix them, but if I missed some here and there just pretend it never happened lol). I don't know a whole lot about Jussi/Ville/Bam (don't own, don't sue) so there will be some stuff that I will be making up as I go just to fill in the gaps and what not, I don't claim that any of the information I use is real or true, it's just easier for me to make things flow in the fic if I come up with some fake things to add to Jussi's/Ville's/Bam's characters. Thanks guys!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Warning – this chapter contains a scene that has serious drug use. You've been warned - so don't read it if you don't like it. Thank you.**

**Chapter 2**

"**Give me envy, Give me malice."**

It was about five in the morning when I took Ville upstairs. I didn't end up going to sleep after he did; I just lied on the couch watching him sleep. Some people weren't very pretty when they were asleep, but it was no surprise to me that Ville looked like an angel even when he was sleeping. I decided to carry Ville up to bed so that he could sleep in, if we stayed on the couch no doubt someone would have woken us up later, at least if he was in a bed with a shut door he wouldn't be disrupted. I huffed in confusion, trying to work out if I could actually carry him or not. As thin as Ville had gotten he was still a lot taller than I was, and I didn't want to try and carry him and then end up dropping him; but there was only one way to find out.

Luckily, he was in a deep enough sleep that he didn't stir when I picked him up and (admittedly quite roughly) slung him about in my arms to get him into a position where I wouldn't drop him. I found that the classic around the back and under the knees carrying method would be the easiest way to carry him. Ville was surprisingly light, I expected him to be light because of his delicate frame, but he was lighter than I had expected even when I took that into consideration. I tried to be as steady as I could when I carried him up the stairs, I trod quietly and slowly to make sure I didn't nudge him when I went up each step. I was going to take him into a spare room but I thought I should probably put him into Bam's room since I knew that was where he slept anyway. I was overwhelmed with temptation… I could just as easily have put him in my bed and chances are no one else would have realised anyway. As tempting as that thought was I had an even better idea.

I turned in the other direction and headed for Bam's room. I nudged the door open as quietly as I could. I was just grateful that his door wasn't shut, I'm not sure if I'd have been able to open a door while I was trying to carry Ville. I turned myself side on so that I could manoeuvre through the door without bumping Ville into the wall or doorframe. Bam's bedroom was dark, but it was just light enough that I could make out where I was going. I found the edge of the bed and gently placed Ville on the mattress. The blankets were already pulled back so I didn't have to worry about trying to get him under them. I looked at them both; neither had woken during all of this. I quietly crawled onto the bed, climbed over Ville's legs and made my way to the middle of the bed. I pulled the blankets over us and pulled Ville closer to me. I pressed myself against his back and nuzzled the back of his neck. I kissed his neck tenderly and wrapped my arm around his waist. Poor Ville had gotten so thin; I was worried that if I pressed on him too hard he might break. I breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet scent of his beautiful, long hair. It wasn't long before I found myself drifting into a peaceful sleep, with Ville in my arms.

I slowly opened my eyes when I realised I couldn't move. I suddenly became very aware of my situation. I felt Bam pressing against my back and I still had Ville pulled against my chest. Bam must have rolled over in his sleep and thought I was Ville, because he was certainly cuddling me like he thought I was Ville. I silently huffed and rolled my eyes. I turned my head back towards Bam when I felt him move. He didn't open his eyes, he yawned and stretched and then pulled me closer to him. I was trying to make him jealous and he ended up using me as a teddy bear…just great. I huffed again and pulled Ville closer to me. If I was going to be squished into an inappropriate spooning position with Bam then I was going to do the same with Ville. Maybe I still had a chance at achieving my original goal anyway. Bam lifted his head and looked over at Ville and I. I looked back at him.

"Good morning, Bam." I said with a mischievous grin.

Bam looked instantly confused as he tried to work out what we were all doing. I could see in his face that he was automatically assuming the worst, and I wasn't about to tell him otherwise.

"What the fuck?" Bam laughed back at me. "How long were you guys…?"

"Oh, I don't know. I was drunk with you remember!" I laughed. "All I can remember is Ville dragging me up here to you, I don't know what he was doing."

"We didn't…?" Bam asked, wide eyed.

"Oh, I don't think so, Bam. Not that I remember us doing anyway." I laughed again.

Bam looked slightly uneasy; I could tell that I'd just planted a seed of doubt in his mind and now he was getting worried. I loved my work sometimes.

"I mean…if you want to…" I winked playfully at him.

Bam laughed nervously, "No way!"

I could tell that Bam was looking at Ville and I. I knew that little details wouldn't go amiss. When I rolled away from Bam I closed my eyes so that he would think I was going back to sleep. I slowly moved Ville's jumper with my hand and let it rest on his bare stomach. Ville was in such a deep sleep that he didn't even flinch, he still looked as peaceful as he did before. I knew Bam was still watching me, and I knew he hated every second of it. I also knew that he wouldn't say anything about it, after all, I wasn't being malicious or deceitful in an obvious way – I was just going back to sleep like I'd indicated to him. I felt Bam get out of the bed and heard him leave the room.

* * *

I picked up a plate and slammed the cupboard door shut. I was so pissed off; I couldn't believe what had just happened. I woke up with Jussi and Ville in my bed and I don't even remember what happened. Anything could have happened and that wasn't even the worst part! Just as I was about to leave the room I turned around and saw Jussi putting his hands over all over Ville - it looked like he was asleep but I wasn't so sure. I always got a bad feeling when Jussi was around Ville; there was something there. I mean sure, they had been friends for a long time and dated years ago but I just got the feeling that Jussi still wanted more from Ville and that made me very uneasy. It didn't seem like something to get angry over, but I was - I was pissed off.

I sighed and put the plate onto the kitchen bench. What was I doing? I was getting angry over nothing. Jussi was asleep when he did that, he wasn't doing anything on purpose to make me angry; Jussi was my friend… _our _friend. Ville and I both loved Jussi; he was one of the coolest friends that you could ever have asked for. I suddenly felt really guilty; I was acting like a complete idiot. After the fight that Ville and I had yesterday I knew that he was really upset with me and I wanted to make it up to him. The last thing he needed was to wake up to me feeling sorry for myself.

I walked over to the table and put the plate down. I sat down and reached into my pocket. I pulled out my wallet and stash bag. I put my wallet on the table and opened the top of the bag. I tipped the white powder onto the plate and put the bag down next to the plate. I got my bankcard and a ten-dollar bill out of my wallet. I used the bankcard to separate the small pile of power into two halves. I shaped one half of the pile into a smooth line that was about half a centimetre thick. I put down the card and pick up the bill. I rolled it up so I could use it to snort the powder. I knew that some people had standard tube type things (I've even seen people using just straws that are cut in half) that they used each time to snort with, but I couldn't make it obvious that I was doing this, so if I used a bill then I could just unroll it and put it back into my wallet and there wouldn't be any evidence to give away what I'd been doing. I glanced at the clock after I'd rolled the note, 8 a.m. No one else would be up for a couple of hours yet. I turned my attention back to the plate. I put the bottom of the rolled note at the end of the line of powder that was closest to me. I placed my nose over the other end of the tube and closed my eyes in anticipation for what I knew was coming.

I tilted my head back and held my nose with my free hand. The burning sensation I got from snorting didn't change. I thought that over time it would get easier but it didn't, it never got any easier. I released my nose and sniffed a bit to try and get rid of the sensation that the powder had left on the inside of my nose. I exhaled slowly, unable to gain relief from the stinging sensation. In five minutes this would be worth it, once the speed kicked in I knew I'd be okay. Once the drugs kicked in, the discomfort of snorting was **always** worth it. I inhaled deeply through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. The stinging had passed after what seemed like forever. I picked up the bankcard again and made another line out of the remaining powder. I put the card down and rolled the bill back up into a tube. I grimaced slightly; I knew that this line was going to sting just as badly as the first one had. I exhaled with a slight groan of nervous anticipation and tried to snort the last line as quickly as possible. I dropped the ten-dollar bill on the table and leant back in the chair with my hands on my face. I groaned and pressed my fingers over both sides of my nose for a few seconds, then let my arms fall limp at my side and tilted my head back. I breathed out slowly and smiled slightly. I could feel the effects of the first line starting to kick in.

I washed and dried the plate I'd used. I turned around when I heard someone coming down the stairs into the Pirate Bar. Jyrki had his sunglasses on and was swaying a bit.

"Hey man!" I smiled at him.

Jyrki Looked out the kitchen window at the bright sunlight and grimaced. I laughed.

"Hungover, huh?" I asked, leaning on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, man," He laughed. "Me and the guys are going to get pizza, you want some?"

I paused for a moment. "Jyrki…it's not even 9 in the morning."

"So?" He laughed.

I laughed too, "Good point, man."

"Can I borrow the Hummer to get the pizza?"

"Yeah, sure. The keys are on the hooks by the door." I said pointing to the key rack.

"Thanks, man. The other guys are coming too. I'll try to not crash." He laughed.

"That makes me feel so much better." I laughed back.

Jyrki yelled up the stairs in Finnish. I had no idea what he was saying, he could've been saying that he was plotting to kill the president of the United States and I wouldn't have known. I heard someone yell back at him in Finnish. The other guys from The 69 Eyes walked casually down the stairs, chatting amongst themselves in Finnish. I noticed that Jussi wasn't with them.

"Jussi not going with you?" I asked Jyrki casually.

"Pffft, he's still asleep. Fuck him, he can wait until we get back to have some pizza." Jyrki laughed.

Jyrki went over to the door to get the keys on his way out and beckoned the other guys to follow him.

"See you, Bam! Thanks again." Jyrki called out as he walked out the door with the other guys.

I huffed and rested on the counter again. I was slightly disappointed because as much as I liked Jussi, I was kind of hoping I could talk to Ville alone when he got up but I knew that Jussi would be hanging about. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal, I could still talk to Ville; I'd just have to find the opportune moment.


	4. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: The actual Finnish is still in italics because that's just how I roll lol. For this chapter I was thinking along the lines of "Drugs or me" By Jimmy Eat World (I strongly suggest you listen to it or read the lyrics!) Thanks guys.**

**Chapter 3**

"**Anger is only one letter short of danger."**

I slowly pushed my bedroom door open. Ville and Jussi were still sleeping on my bed and Jussi still had his arm wrapped around Ville. I could feel myself getting angry with Jussi, putting his hands on Ville like he was a toy to be passed around.

"Hey Jussi," I said loudly trying to wake up.

Jussi squinted over Ville's shoulder at me. He yawned deeply and propped himself up on his elbows.

"The guys have come back with pizza, they wanted me to come and get you."

"_Ay perkele_," Jussi mumbled as he climbed out of my bed.

I didn't know any Finnish, but I'd heard enough Finnish before to know that he was swearing. I walked past Jussi as he was leaving the room and went over to Ville. He'd woken up already.

"Hey," I said quietly as I sat on the bed next to where he was laying.

"Hey," he replied in an even quieter voice.

I looked down at Ville and got a bit worried - he didn't look too good. He seemed a bit paler than usual and looked really tired.

"You feeling okay?" I asked him in a worried voice.

"I don't feel very good, Bam." Ville replied quietly, "I'm just so tired and I have this most terrible headache."

"Yeah," I agreed, "You do look a bit drowsy."

It occurred to me that the last time Ville looked like this was after he'd taken too much Xanax. Ville took Xanax for it's calming affect. I snorted speed to make me feel better and Ville took pills with vodka to make him feel better. I remembered the last time he'd taken too much Xanax; I got angry with him for it and once he'd sobered up we had a fight about it. I'd never actually found out how often he took too much of it, I only noticed that one time before because he'd taken a triple dose in one go and was really fucked up because of it.

"Have you had any Xanax today?" I asked him. I tried to sound indifferent so that he wouldn't think I was going to get angry with him if he did.

Ville nodded, "Yeah."

"How much did you take?" I asked quietly, stroking his hair.

Ville closed his eyes and wiped his hands over his face. He sighed when he opened his eyes again. I cut him off before he could speak.

"It doesn't matter if you took more than you're supposed to, Ville, I just need to know to make sure I can look after you if you need me to, but if you don't tell me what's going on I can't really do that." I said in a mild tone as I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Three." Ville said quietly as he looked away from me.

I had to try really hard to hide my frustration. Even though I said I wouldn't get angry with him, I couldn't help but to be annoyed. He knew that he was only meant to take one pill at a time, but for the second time (that I knew of, there were probably others times that I didn't know about) he had taken a triple dose.

"Are you mad at me?" Ville asked me quietly, slightly slurring his words.

"No, I'm not mad, just worried about you." I said as I squeezed his shoulder.

Ville nodded, acknowledging my concern.

"Come on, let's get you downstairs." I said as I helped him up.

I had to help Ville walk downstairs because he was too drowsy to walk properly. I lead him into the lounge room so he could lie down on the sofa while I got him some water. I helped him onto the black couch and put a cushion under his head.

"You want anything to eat?" I asked before I left to get his water.

Ville shook his head, "No, but I'm really cold."

"I'll get you a blanket," I replied with a small smile. I had to confess that my smile wasn't entirely sincere; I just didn't want Ville to know that I was actually angry with him.

When I came back I had a glass of water in one hand and a feather filled duvet slung over my other arm. Ville had fallen asleep again. I put the glass on the coffee table and dropped the duvet on the floor next to the sofa. I kneeled down next to Ville and shook his shoulder. Ville slowly opened his eyes and looked blankly at me.

"You probably shouldn't go to sleep, Ville." I said as I handed him the glass of water from the coffee table.

I picked up the duvet and spread it out over him. It made me really sad because I knew why he was cold. He was wearing pants, a shirt, a jumper and was still cold… I was walking around in shorts and nothing else. I would have had to be blind to not notice how much weight he'd lost in the last few months. Admittedly, I'd lost a bit of weight as well because the speed I took suppressed my appetite, so I never ate when I was on it, but that didn't explain Ville's weight loss because he didn't take anything other than the Xanax. The only thing that could explain it was that he was purposely not eating.

Ville finished the glass of water and put the empty glass on the floor next to the sofa. Within seconds of putting the glass down he was falling asleep again. I didn't know a lot about prescription drugs, but I was pretty sure that if someone took too much of a pill that makes them sleep in the first place, they probably shouldn't be going to sleep. I perched on the sofa next to him and shook his shoulders again.

"Ville, wake up." I said, resting my hands on his shoulders.

Ville groggily opened his eyes. He looked up at me, but I could see that he was struggling to stay awake. I was getting worried; he seemed a lot more affected by the pills this time. I remembered the last time he took a triple dose of Xanax – he was really lethargic and lied on the sofa for a few hours. I got him water and some food, and he was okay a few hours later. Thinking back, Ville did weigh more then – maybe that had something to do with it? I wasn't exactly an expert, but I knew that if you weighed a lot any drugs that you took would affect you less than it would someone who was a lot lighter than you.

Jyrki strolled into the room holding an open box of pizza.

"Hey Bam-Bam, you want pizza?" He grinned at me.

"Nah man, I'm cool." I replied with a smile.

"Ville okay?" He asked me, looking slightly more concerned now.

"Yeah, man. He's okay, not well at the moment." I didn't go into any details; I didn't get the impression from Ville in the past that he wanted our friends to know about his drug use.

"Will you guys be okay in here?" Jyrki asked me.

"Yeah, I'll let you know if we're not." I smiled at Jyrki; he was such a sweet guy.

"Okay, Bam." Jyrki smiled contently back at me just before he left the room.

I looked back down at Ville - his eyes were shut again.

"Shit, Ville. Wake up!" I said urgently, shaking his shoulders again to wake him.

Ville slowly opened his eyes again. I ran the back of my fingers down his jaw and neck. I frowned slightly, only just _really_ noticing how thin Ville had gotten. I realised he was losing weight, but not this much weight. I guess because it was happening over a period of time I didn't notice it so much, but now looking at him properly I could really see it. His face had become gaunt and his cheekbones protruded through his skin. I sighed, disappointed in myself more than anything. Over the last few months I'd been too busy taking speed to even _notice_ Ville's health. Thinking about it now, I only just realised how many times in the past he was probably doped up on Xanax and I didn't even notice because I was buzzing on speed. I slouched over, resting my elbows on my knees. I couldn't believe how blind I'd been, all this time Ville had been getting angry with me for taking speed but the whole time he was spun out on booze and pills – and he was mad at _me_? I growled at myself out of frustration – I couldn't tell Ville how angry I was because he was too out of it to know what I was talking about anyway. I stood up and stormed out of the room without saying anything to him.

* * *

It'd been a few hours since Bam brought me to the lounge room to lie down on the couch. I'd fallen asleep again while he was sitting on the couch with me, but when I woke up he wasn't there. I didn't know how long he'd been gone for or how long I had been asleep for. I vaguely remembered coming down here with Bam's help, but that was about it. I closed my eyes and frowned; I felt really sick. I didn't even remember taking anything or drinking last night, but my body was telling me it could definitely feel the after effects of whatever I did. I rolled onto my stomach and propped myself up on my elbows. In a strange kind of way, I felt slightly refreshed after having a solid amount of sleep. I groaned as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. I looked behind me when I heard someone approaching. Jussi smiled at me as he moved around the sofa and sat next to me.

"How you feeling?" He asked me.

I smiled back and nodded, "Not bad, a bit tired still. What time is it?"

"It's about six, I think."

"What time did Bam bring me down here?" I asked as I stretched and yawned.

"It was when we had pizza so I guess at about eleven this morning." Jussi nodded.

"Eleven? I was asleep for that long?" I laughed slightly.

"Yeah, Bam said you were not feeling good so he watched you for a while to make sure you were okay, then he went out, but he is not back yet."

"Did he say where he was going?" I asked as I stretched out my arms a bit more.

"Nah, he did not say much."

I frowned; I knew where Bam was probably going. Whenever he disappeared without saying anything he was usually going to see his dealer. I could always tell if he was going there because he'd be in a bad mood when he left because he was getting withdrawals, then when he came back he would usually be in a mood that was just as shitty as before because of what the drugs did to him when he took them.

Jussi must have noticed my frustration and wrapped his arms around me. He propped his head on my shoulder and smiled.

"Do not worry so much, Ville. Bam will be fine."

"I know - I just worry sometimes." I smiled. I wasn't sure if Jussi knew why I was worried about Bam, so I just left it at that.

Jussi squeezed me into a tight hug and then released me from his arms. He patted to my back and smiled at me again. He seemed really happy today, and that made me feel good. I smiled back at him as he stood up and started to walk out of the room.

"Hey Jussi," I called out to him, "I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay Ville. The other guys are going to go out and do some exploring around West Chester, but I will still be here." He smiled back at me.

I watched him leave the room and then I kicked off the duvet that was on me and went upstairs to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and turned the hot tap in the shower on. I pulled off my jumper and shirt. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I was sure that I'd lost a lot of weight because my clothes were all getting too big, but it didn't look like I'd lost a lot when I looked at myself in the mirror. I turned side on and sucked my stomach in, doing that made me feel a little bit better, but when I stopped doing it I got really sad again. My stomach was still just about sticking out at the same level that my ribcage was, but I wanted to be smaller than that – I wanted my stomach to be further in than my ribcage.

I staggered when a wave of dizziness hit me. I kept getting head spins because I hadn't eaten for a couple of days. I groaned and sat on the cold tiled floor, I was starting to feel sick. I let myself drop onto my back so that I could lie down and rest again. I figured that if I was going to pass out at least I was already on the floor. I rested my head against the inside of my arm and closed my eyes. I could feel myself trembling from the coldness of the floor. I didn't want to think about anything, but I kept getting involuntary thoughts in my head. I couldn't help but think that if I could be a better person somehow then maybe that would help Bam? I mean, I was losing weight and trying to make myself better for him, but it didn't seem to help. Whenever he was speeding I would take Xanax to calm myself down, because when he was on it he got angry really easily, so if I was relaxed and calm then maybe that would help him to feel like that too? Or so I thought anyway. It never really seemed to work, even if I was calm he would still get angry, even just at stupid things that normal people didn't get angry about. We've had so many fights because of him taking speed, and then we would fight more once he was sober because I would still be angry with him for yelling at me when he was on speed. It was like a vicious circle that I couldn't break, I tried everything I could think of to get Bam to stop taking the drugs but he never listened. At one point in time I told him he would have to choose between me or the drugs… He went and took more speed as a result of me saying that, but I never left and I think he knew that I wouldn't leave anyway. It hurt me so much to know that even if I threatened to leave he would still rather get high than try to stop me leaving. After our various fights about anything and everything I would usually lock myself in the bathroom for a few hours just in case he didn't calm down. Don't get me wrong, I loved Bam and I would always love him, but drugs do things to people. When Bam was on speed it scared me, whenever we fought I would think to myself, "I wonder if today will be the day that he takes a swing at me?" because I was waiting for that day. I didn't like to think of Bam like that, because I knew he would never do anything to hurt me, but when he was on drugs he wasn't Bam anymore, he was someone else – someone that I didn't know. Whenever we fought while he was on drugs it was like I was fighting with a stranger, almost like a demon had gone into Bam and taken him over and I was fighting with that demon - not Bam. The thing that scared me was that the stranger that I fought with was someone I didn't know, I didn't know what they were capable of or what they would do.

I knew he didn't mean anything that he said, because he did love me, but the words that came out of his mouth could be so hurtful and cruel. I don't think he realised what kind of emotional damage I suffered whenever he said hurtful things to me. He knew what he was saying, and he knew that it would hurt me at that moment in time while we were fighting, but he didn't realise that whatever he said stayed with me. Everything that he ever said to hurt me stayed in the back of mind since he said it. Every time I talked to Bam and every time we fought, my mind flashed back to the things he said to me before; I remembered the time he told me I was a worthless piece of shit – that hurt. I remember the time he called me a fucking whore because he couldn't get past the fact that I dated Jussi - before Bam and I were even together. I would never forget the day when he told me that he hoped I died, and I'll never forget the day that he went to take a swing at me, but didn't.

Everything with Bam just seemed to be spiralling out of control, and I was standing there with nothing that I could do to help him. He was right, I was a worthless piece of shit - I couldn't even stop my own boyfriend from becoming a drug addict because he felt like he had nothing else to live for. I should have been the reason why he _didn't_ do drugs, but I wasn't because I was never good enough for that. I was never good enough for him. I was the lucky person who got to be with him, and then I just let him down like that. If it weren't for me he probably wouldn't have even started using drugs in the first place. I felt like a complete failure, like I'd let him down. I should've been there to help him but I wasn't, and now we were both just as fucked up as each other.

* * *

I went upstairs to see where Ville was, he'd been in the shower for almost an hour and I was starting to get worried. I tapped on the bathroom door and called out loudly so he could hear me over the shower.

"Are _you okay, Ville_?" I sighed at myself, I didn't call out in Finnish purposely; sometimes things just came out in Finnish instead of English.

"Ville? Are you okay?" I called out again, making a conscious effort to speak in English this time.

I heard the shower turn off and the door on the shower close.

"I'm fine, Jussi. Is something wrong?" I heard Ville call through the door.

"No, I was just checking you were okay, you have been in there a long time."

Ville opened the bathroom door and smiled at me. He was wearing a black zip up jumper with a hood and black jeans.

"I'm fine, Jussi." He said as he stepped past me, still smiling.

I watched him walk around the other side of the room and sit down on the edge of the bed. He had his back facing to me and was looking out the window at the setting sun. I slid onto the bed and crawled over to him on my hands and knees.

"Is Bam back yet?" Ville asked idly.

I approached him from behind; still on all fours I rested my chin on his shoulder.

"No, not back yet. The other guys are out too, they said they will be drinking tonight so they will not be back until early morning." I replied, slightly mumbling because my chin was still pressed against his shoulder.

I felt Ville sigh. I propped myself up onto my knees, still behind him, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"What is wrong?" I asked him quietly and rested my cheek on the back of his shoulder.

"Nothing…" Ville replied indolently.

I knew that Ville was lying to me; I could tell when something was wrong, but I didn't want to push the issue. If Ville wanted to tell me something he would. I unwrapped my arms and moved so that I was sitting next to him on the edge of the bed.

"If you say so, Ville." I smiled at him.

Ville looked at me and smiled back. He could tell that I knew he was lying, but neither of us minded. We both knew that he would talk to me if he wanted to, it didn't have to be right now. Ville edged closer to me and rested his head on my shoulder. I loosely wrapped my arm around his waist.

"I wasn't actually sick today, you know." Ville told me quietly.

"I know." I replied.

"How did you know?" Ville asked as he lifted his head off of my shoulder.

I laughed slightly, "_You know I used to take pills with you, Ville. I can still tell when you're on shit_."

Ville laughed now as well. He must have forgotten about our drunken nights where we popped pills with alcohol and passed out for hours on end. I'd been around Ville a few times before when he was on pills and I wasn't and I remembered what he was like on them, so it wasn't hard for me to tell that he'd taken pills last night before we had our conversation on the couch. It was no wonder he passed out on me so quickly and didn't wake up until Bam woke him this morning. I figured he must have taken quite a few pills to be passed out for that long.

Ville wrapped his arms around my waist and smiled at me.

"_Thank you for being such a good friend, Jussi. I can always count on you_."

I smiled back at him, "_It's okay, Ville._"

Ville sighed to himself again, still holding onto my waist.

"I think I might go to sleep again, I'm still tired." Ville yawned.

"I'm pretty tired too, actually." I agreed with him. "Lets just go to sleep, and then wake up at like midnight and then get drunk," I laughed.

Ville laughed too, "Yes, lets do that then."

Ville let go of my waist so we could crawl under the covers together. Ville must've still had some of the pills going through his system because he was asleep a few minutes after he put his head on the pillow. I fidgeted a little bit, unable to get comfortable. I sighed and looked over to Ville, he was asleep already with his back facing me. I shuffled across the bed and positioned my body so that I could lie comfortably behind him. I wrapped my arm around his waist and smiled. I kissed his shoulder and nuzzled my face into his neck. His hair was still wet and smelt like the shampoo he'd washed his hair with. I smiled again, I was always so happy when I had Ville with me. Ville was such a beautiful person, I just hoped Bam realised how lucky he was to have Ville.

* * *

When I woke up I kept my eyes closed. There was someone in bed with me and I wasn't sure who it was, I couldn't even remember going to sleep. I took a moment to try and remember what had happened before I passed out again. I sighed in relief when I remembered that Jussi had gone to sleep with me. I slowly rolled over and faced Jussi; he was still asleep. I rested my hand on the side of his face and kissed his forehead. I was so grateful to have such a devoted friend, I felt like I was really lucky to have someone like him in my life. I slowly climbed out of bed, trying not to make any noise so that I wouldn't wake Jussi.

As I walked down the stairs I stretched my arms and yawned. I felt a lot better now that I'd slept a bit more. I could feel that the pills I took had worn off, so I was more awake now and a lot more alert. As I walked past the lounge room I saw Bam out of the corner of my eye. I turned back and looked again. Bam was sitting on the sofa watching the television. I slowly walked into the lounge and approached Bam.

"Hey, Bam" I smiled at him.

Bam didn't reply. I sighed silently to myself and sat down on the sofa next to him. I was trying to look like I was happy so that he wouldn't have any reason to get angry with me.

"What's up?" I asked as I slumped onto the back of the coach.

Bam shrugged but didn't respond any further. Out of the corner of my I could see him repeatedly tapping his foot on the ground. He kept making idle movements with his hands; brushing his hair back, wiping his hands on his shorts and swapping the remote quickly between his hands. I looked down at my clasped hands when I realised why he was so fidgety. I didn't want to say anything, but I knew that he was high.

"Hey Ville…" Bam said, still not looking at me.

"Yes, Bam?" I replied quietly.

"How come you're always taking pills?"

"I…" I stuttered for a moment – shocked at his unexpected question, "I don't know, I guess they make me feel better?"

"If **that** makes you feel better then why do you cut yourself?" Bam asked in a stern voice.

"How did you…" I began to ask, but Bam cut me off before I could finish the question.

"Oh come on, Ville! I'm not fucking stupid! I know you do it." Bam said, staring me in the face now.

I looked down again, unable to hold his glare. I was shattered to find out that he knew about it but never said anything. I couldn't even work out how he knew to begin with. I must have slipped up somewhere along the line and he must have mistakenly seen them.

"I…I guess that makes me feel better as well." I said quietly, still looking down.

"Better than what?" Bam demanded. He sounded really offended.

"I don't know… better than everything else I'm feeling at that time." I shrugged.

"Oh yeah, I get it," Bam said as he stood up, his voice gradually escalating. "I'm not good enough for you, is that it? So you just pop pills and fucking cut yourself because you can't **stand** to be with me?"

I flinched when Bam yelled that at me. Once again his words cut right through me like a knife to butter. I shook my head slightly; I couldn't let myself start crying before I told him what was really going on, I couldn't let him think that it was all his fault, because I was sure it wasn't.

"Bam, wait! I can explain." I called out to him.

Bam spun around and crossed his arms.

"Well, what am I missing then? Tell me what will make this all fucking clear." He demanded again.

"I…" I started talking as I stood up and made my way over to him. "I don't want you to think that this is your fault, Bam."

"Isn't it? Well fucking explain it because from this angle it looks to me like it fucking is."

"It's… Okay so, when I say it's not you – it's me, don't think I'm lying because I'm not. It isn't you, I'm just like… fucked up or something, I guess." I said still looking at the floor.

"Damn right, you're fucked up, Ville. I mean, what the fuck, man? You're really fucked up right now."

"I know…" I whispered, "and I'm sorry, I didn't mean for anything to get this far."

"Yeah well, Ville, you didn't fucking exactly do a lot to stop it did you? You didn't even fucking think about the people you know and how it would fucking make them feel, did you?" Bam yelled at me before he started to walk away.

"You weren't exactly around long enough for me to bother with that." I snapped back at him.

Bam turned around and glared at me, "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me." I glared back at him.

Before I had the chance to move Bam threw a punch at me. I felt myself hit the wooden floor with a loud thump. I groaned and slowly opened my eyes. I vaguely heard Jussi yelling and running down the stairs but didn't really comprehend his presence. When I pulled myself off the floor I was so angry that I was ready to lunge straight for Bam. Jussi was already in front of Bam yelling but I couldn't really hear what he was saying. Without any real plan of attack I ran and jumped at Bam. I took Bam down to the floor with me, but accidentally knocked Jussi over on the way. We all thumped onto the floor and took a second to recover. I was already on top of bam and trying to throw punches at him but he grabbed my wrists to try and stop me before I could. I didn't know how I expected to win this fight; Bam was obviously a lot bigger than I was. Without any real struggle Bam pushed me off of him and onto the floor beside him. Before I had the chance to recover and move he climbed on top of me and pinned my arms down above my head. I growled at Bam out of frustration, still trying to violently throw him off me.

"_Get off of me_!" I yelled at him in Finnish.

"Fucking calm down!" Bam yelled back at me.

I got even angrier because he wouldn't let go of me so I tried to throw more punches at him but he still had me firmly pinned down. Bam grunted when I hit him in the back with my knee – my legs were the only part of me that I could move, so I was going to use them. I kept trying to fight myself free with my arms but I wasn't really getting anywhere, Bam was too strong for me. I didn't have a lot of energy left, so in one final struggle to get Bam off of me I tried to push him off using my arms and upper body. I managed to get myself up and move Bam a little bit, but it was nowhere near enough force to push him off of me. Bam pushed me back down and pinned my arms back above my head again. I winced and scrunched my eyes shut when he lifted my wrists back up then slammed them back onto the floor.

"Bam, get off of him!" I heard Jussi yell.

I opened my eyes again when Jussi was trying to put himself between Bam and I. When Jussi shoved Bam he let go of my arms.

"I think you need to go and fucking calm down." Jussi said sternly to Bam.

Bam climbed off of me and stormed out of the room. I heard him go down the stairs into the Pirate Bar and out the back door. When I opened my eyes again Jussi was still kneeling next to me.

"_Fuck, Ville, are you okay_?" Jussi asked as he slid his arm under my shoulders and helped me sit up.

I pulled myself onto my hands and knees and stood up with Jussi. I couldn't even look at Jussi; I didn't know how I was supposed to be feeling or what I was supposed to even say. I stared blankly at the ground for a minute and then shook my head in disbelief.

"_Today was the day_…" I whispered to myself.

Before Jussi could answer, or even comprehend what I was talking about, I walked away from him and quickly went upstairs. Jussi didn't follow me.


	5. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: As lame as it is, this chapter reminds me of "It's all coming back to me now" by Celine Dion. You know you love it lmao.**

**Chapter 4**

"**I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake."**

I locked the bathroom door behind me. I stood in the middle of the bathroom with my arms wrapped around my waist, trying to comprehend what had just happened. I turned around slowly and looked at myself in the mirror. I could see my cheek was already starting to bruise. I walked to the mirror and stood in front of it. I turned my head slightly and looked at my cheek; there was a small cut from the impact of the punch and the skin around it was bruising. I pressed my fingers to the cut and winced. I pushed my jumper sleeves up to my elbows and then put my arms out in front of me. Some of the newer cuts on my arms had been torn back open when Bam slammed my arms down onto the floor; the pressure and force of his hands were too much for my slow healing wounds. Normally I would have used a cloth to clean them up, but I didn't care. The one person in the world who was supposed to love me didn't care about me, so why should I care about myself?

I heard a knock on the door. Jussi called out to me. I pulled my sleeves back down as I walked to the door. I undid the lock and opened the door. Jussi was standing there, looking at me like he always did. Whenever Jussi went away on tour I always remembered him the same way as I saw him now; running around with no shirt on, sitting and lying on the floor whenever he had an excuse to… and always looking at me with his eyes full of adoration and love.

"What can I do?" Jussi asked me.

I didn't want to try and speak; I knew that if I did I would have started crying. I grabbed Jussi's hand and lead him to the bed. We sat down together and he rested his hand on my back. I went to speak but I burst out into tears, the shock and hurt from the fight had only just caught up with me. Jussi pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms tightly around me. I buried my face into his neck and kept crying, I didn't want to cry - but I couldn't stop myself. After a few minutes I pulled back from Jussi, after crying for a while I managed to stop myself. I wiped my face with my sleeve and looked back at Jussi. He put his hand on my jaw and turned my face to the side so he could see my cheek properly. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to not think about it otherwise I would have started crying again. I felt Jussi press his lips to the cut on my face, he did it lightly enough that it didn't hurt me.

I opened my eyes and looked at Jussi. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he looked at me. I knew that he was thinking I didn't deserve this or deserve to be in this situation at all. Jussi always wanted the best for me, and even though he would never say it – I was sure he thought I deserved better than Bam. Jussi cupped the unmarked side of my face and ran his thumb over my skin. He leant forward slowly and pressed his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. When Jussi realised I wasn't going to pull away from him he pulled back first.

"_You don't mind?_" he frowned at me.

I shook my head; I didn't mind, I was beyond even caring. I wrapped my arms around his bare waist and pulled him closer to me. He wrapped his hands around my neck and kissed me again. This time I pulled away from him to take a moment to just concentrate on breathing – I'd forgotten how overwhelming it was even just to kiss Jussi. It was a very long time ago that Jussi and I were together, back when we used to get drunk and take pills together. I don't know how I could have forgotten kisses that felt so amazing. The fondest of my memories burned the brightest in mind, and every day since Jussi and I had been together on those nights, those memories grew hotter still.

I pulled Jussi down onto the bed with me, kissing him almost aggressively. I was desperate to feel something, anything. I felt like an empty shell, like I was the remains of someone who had been misused and burned out. I needed to feel like someone cared enough to try and fill that empty space, and if anyone cared it was Jussi. I pulled Jussi on top of me and fumbled with his belt buckle while I continued to kiss him. Jussi pushed himself off of me and grabbed my hands in his.

"_Whoa, Ville, calm down. What's the rush?_" He whispered to me.

Jussi placed his hands under mine so he could kiss the top of my hands.

"_I_…_I just need to feel like someone cares." _ I whispered back to him, trying to not cry again.

Jussi looked up at me and gazed deeply into my eyes.

"_You know I care about you, Ville. I always have_." He said softly.

I closed my eyes and tried to inhale deeply, but my flow of air was disrupted by my stomachs contractions when I tried to stop myself from sobbing at Jussi's words. Jussi turned my hands palm side up and kissed the palm of my hands. I kept my eyes closed so that I could try and focus on breathing; with Jussi here I was having trouble even remembering to breathe. Jussi stopped moving for a moment and then I felt his hand sliding up my wrist. My eyes flew open as I gasped at him. He stopped moving and looked me in the eyes.

"_Do you not want me to look?_" Jussi asked me quietly.

I shook my head, "_No…_"

"_Why?"_ He asked, his voice still soft.

"_Because it was_…" I sighed, "_because it was just a stupid thing to do and I'm embarrassed about it_."

"_Ville, if it felt like the right thing to do at the time, don't be embarrassed about it. If you thought it was the right thing to do, then it __**was **__the right thing to do."_

I looked away from Jussi for a moment so that I could think about what he said. I felt so overwhelmed - the dreaded cuts on my arms were what started the fight with Bam in the first place, and now Jussi was telling me that if I thought I needed to do it then it was right to do it. I felt a strange kind of relief wash over me, Jussi didn't care about what I'd done – he cared about me.

I looked back up to Jussi and pecked a kiss on his lips. I sat up so that I was facing away from him and pulled off my jumper, leaving me in my jeans and short-sleeved t-shirt. I briefly considered putting my jumper back on; I felt so exposed and vulnerable to judgement when I didn't have something to cover my arms with. I sighed and put my jumper on the bed next to me. Jussi sat up and quietly and watched me, obviously aware that there was some kind of battle going on in my head. I turned back to Jussi and held my arms out to him. When he looked down at my arms I could see the sadness that crossed his face. He wasn't disappointed with me at all; he was just concerned for my wellbeing. Jussi placed one of his hands under mine and his other hand underneath my arm, just below my elbow. I closed my eyes, I couldn't look at Jussi's face anymore, the worry and sadness that I saw in his eyes was too much for me to try and take in. I felt Jussi press his lips softly against the inside of my wrist. I felt his warm breath against my skin when he exhaled. He moved slowly up my arm, gently kissing all of my cuts and scars. I opened my eyes when I felt him stop. I looked down at Jussi; he was running his fingers over the bruises that were starting to appear on my arms from where Bam had pinned me down earlier. I didn't realise the bruises were going to be quite so noticeable. Jussi briefly closed his eyes like he was thinking to himself. He opened his eyes and moved my arm back to where it was before so that he could hold it closer to him. I almost smiled slightly when he pressed his lips against my arm again, it was such a relief to know that Jussi didn't care about the horrible looking bruises and cuts on my arms.

Jussi took my other arm into his hands and kissed every cut, scar and bruise on that arm as well. I felt a tear slide down my cheek when I blinked, overwhelming relief and happiness had taken over me. I brushed my fingers across Jussi's hair to get his attention. Jussi turned his face to me and smiled briefly. I smiled back at him, but when he saw the tear that had escaped my eye he suddenly looked worried.

"_Ville, what's wrong?_" Jussi asked as he swept me into his arms.

"_Nothing's wrong, Jussi…I'm just so happy to have you here with me._" I whispered to him with a smile on my face, "_It's been too long_."

Jussi returned my smile and pulled me closer to him so that our bodies were touching. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pressed his lips to my neck and ran his hands up the length of my waist. I flinched slightly at the touch of his warm hands, I was getting cold without my jumper on and his hands were surprisingly hot against my skin. Jussi looked back up to me and kissed me again. I could still feel his warm hands on my waist; his thumbs caressed my skin as he ran them back and forth. I broke the kiss and pressed my forehead to his. I felt Jussi wrap his arms around my waist. We closed our eyes and tried to absorb the moment that we were both able to finally share together. In that moment in time it seemed like the world stopped spinning – there was nothing on the planet except us, together. We were so close to each other that I could feel Jussi's shallow breathing and his beating pulse.

Within what seemed like only minutes, we found our naked bodies entwined. It was amazing; I'd forgotten what it was like to be with Jussi. Every movement and every breath we shared were so deliberate and sincere. There was something about being with Jussi that just felt so pure and so incredible, but ever since we dated (all those years ago) I could never pin point exactly what it was about us being together that was so amazing. It was something different to anything else I'd experienced, and it was something I'd only ever felt with him. This feeling was something that we shared every time we were together, but as far as I knew, neither of us knew what it was. Whatever the feeling was, I wish I could have felt it all the time; never before being with Jussi had I felt so beautiful and fulfilled.

* * *

I wrapped my arms around Ville and pulled his body closer to mine. He rested his head on my chest and closed his eyes. I watched him in silent awe, left speechless by his beauty. I rolled onto my side so that my face was level with his. Ville rested his head on a pillow and wrapped his arms around my neck. I locked my arms around his waist and pulled him as close to me as I could. Only when his body was pressed tightly against mine did I feel satisfied. I pecked a kiss on Ville's neck and then rested my head on the pillow next to him.

"_I've missed you, Jussi_." Ville smiled.

I looked into Ville's emerald green eyes and smiled. I loved being able to look into his eyes and see happiness… too often did I see overwhelming sadness. I smiled faintly when I thought about the fact that Ville was only ever this happy when he was with me. I noticed that over the last couple of years his eyes had slowly dimmed down, almost as if they had lost their brightness when his soul lost its fire. There was something about tonight that was different though, because even though I could tell he had been hurting inside so badly because of Bam, I could see a spark in his eyes. Past all the hurt and betrayal his eyes portrayed - I could see a glimmer, a small spark of what once was.

"_You could come with me, you know_." I told Ville quietly.

Ville stared at me for a moment to think about what I'd said and about the implications I was making.

"_You mean just leave?_" Ville whispered back to me.

"_Yeah, why not?_" I shrugged.

"_I…" _Ville faltered, "_I couldn't leave Bam, you know that."_

"_Why not, Ville? It's not like he deserves you._"

Ville looked away from me. I frowned at him; he looked almost hurt by what I said, but it was true and he knew it. I knew right from the start that Bam wouldn't have been good for him, and when I realised that there something between them I told Ville that too, but he didn't listen. I never held it against Ville for not listening to me when I knew I was right, but I just wanted to help him now. He wasn't in a good place and Bam was getting even worse for him by the day. He was slowly deteriorating in front of me and the only way that I could help was to get him away from the cause.

"_Ville_…" I said softly, "_Where do you think this relationship with Bam is going?_"

Ville still refused eye contact with me.

"_Ville_…" I sighed, hoping to get his attention.

Ville looked at me again, his face was sceptical and his lips were pursed.

"_You know I'm right, Ville_." I said sadly.

"_I can't leave, Jussi_, _you know that_." Ville sighed.

"_You can't or you won't_?" I smiled humourlessly, "_Because I think you can, but I know you probably won't_."

"_What would you have me do, Jussi? Leave Bam when he needs me? Just get up and leave all of this like it never even happened?" _Ville demanded.

"_Well you can't stay, Ville, not when he treats you like this_!" I snapped back at Ville.

Ville huffed at me and rolled over so that his back was facing me and his arms were folded. I slid across the bed so that was directly behind him. I rested my hands against his back and kissed his shoulder. Ville continued to ignore me. I looked at Ville's back and traced around his protruding shoulder blades with my thumbs. I could remember doing the exact same thing to him a couple of years ago when we were together then. A lot of things had changed since then; Ville was thin back then, but not deathly thin like he was now. When we were together then, I could trace the contours of his body with my hands knowing that I could call him mine, but now he was Bam's – Bam could call Ville his, and he didn't deserve that honour.

I kissed Ville's shoulder blade again and nuzzled my nose softly against his neck.

"_Don't be mad_." I said as I ran my hand over his shoulder, "_I'm sorry_."


	6. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **Italics means it's in _Finnish_.

**Chapter 5**

"**No matter how far you go…My heart remains with you."**

Bam wrapped his arms loosely around my waist and sighed. I placed my hands on his shoulders and met his glance briefly before looking away. I vaguely heard him say something, but I honestly couldn't have told you what he said. I wasn't listening. I sighed and looked back at him.

"Why do we do this to ourselves, Bam?" I asked him sadly.

Bam shook his head and looked away from me.

"I don't know." He sighed back.

There was a moment of silence between us before Bam spoke again.

"I'm sorry about the other day," he said quietly.

"I know you are." I nodded absently.

"Do you think you could find it in yourself to forgive me?" Bam asked.

I unwrapped my arms from around his neck and stepped back slightly. He released my waist and slid his hands into his pockets.

"I don't know, Bam, sometimes you make it really hard for me to forgive you." I whispered grimly.

"You mean you don't," he grimaced, "you don't love me anymore?"

"No of course not," I protested, "I love you and you know it, don't ever fucking question that, Bam. All I'm saying is… is that some of the things you do are hard for me to just forgive."

"I know." Bam replied quietly.

"I mean, you can't just keep treating me like this and expect me to just give you unconditional forgiveness, Bam." I snapped.

"I don't expect that, Ville." Bam snapped back at me.

"Then what do you expect? You seem to be under the impression that you can just fucking do whatever you want and I will always be here when you get back, well no Bam, no! Because I won't always be here if you keep going this way!" I yelled at him.

"Well what the fuck do you want me to do then? I'm fucking trying to make this work but fuck, Ville, you're not making it easy!" Bam yelled back at me, "I haven't fucking had anything today because I'm trying to fucking stop for you and I'm craving it so fucking badly that I want to rip up my own fucking skin! What else can I fucking do?"

I shook my head sadly, "All I wanted was to know that you cared Bam, but you never did, did you?"

Bam looked shocked by what I said. He stepped forward so that we were only centimetres apart and continued yelling.

"You think I don't care? Don't even fucking _try_ to tell me that I don't fucking care about you! You know I do!"

"Well you have a pretty funny way of showing it." I replied harshly.

"Why are we even having this fight? If you think I don't care so fucking much then why should you even care?" Bam spat at me.

"Oh yes, of course!" I replied sarcastically, "It's all my fault! I guess I just fucking deluded myself into thinking that I might ever fucking mean something to you!"

I turned away from Bam and started to leave the room, I didn't want to keep fighting like this – only bad things came from fighting with someone you loved. I turned my head back towards Bam; he was still shocked by what I had said.

"I love you, Bam, don't you get it?" I sighed as I continued to walk away from him.

I went upstairs to the room Jussi had been staying in. I rapped lightly on the door before opening it. Jussi was sitting on the bed typing a message to someone on his mobile phone. When I entered the room he looked up from his phone.

"_Hey Ville, what's up?_" he smiled.

I only half returned his smile as I walked over to the bed. I knew he could tell something was wrong. I sighed as I sat down next to him. I glanced at the wall; Jussi's packed suitcases were leaning against it. I sighed again; I knew he would be leaving in a few hours, but God how I wished he would stay longer. Jussi's smile quickly faded.

"_What's wrong?" _he asked as he placed his hand on my knee.

I didn't reply - I didn't even really want to talk about it. I felt like I would be burdening Jussi with my problems only hours before he had to leave. Jussi sighed when he realised why I didn't respond to his question.

"_You know Ville_," Jussi began, "_You can still come with me_."

I sighed, "_No Jussi, I can't. I already told you that I can't leave_."

"_Ville_," Jussi sighed, "_You already know what I think, so I won't say anymore about it, but just know that once I leave if you need me, you know where to find m_e."

I knew what Jussi meant, when we talked on the phone he would say the same thing to me if I was sad and didn't feel like talking. "You know where to find me", meant call him if I wanted to talk or if I needed, well, anything really. I didn't want Jussi to leave - I missed him already.

* * *

I slammed my bedroom door shut behind me. Watching Jussi leave on the plane was close to heart breaking. The drive home with Bam was uncomfortable to say the least. Bam knew I was upset because Jussi left but didn't mention it, and neither did I.

I wiped a tear from under my eye, frustrated by how weak I felt. Mentally and physically I was falling apart, but I was the only person who realised it. I mindlessly let my body drop onto my bed, exhausted. I heard a slight crinkle and realised I was lying on something other than my pillow. I pulled myself up and saw a piece of paper with my name on it. I must have missed it and landed right on it. I frowned as I picked the paper up, unsure of what it was or whom it was from. I slowly unfolded the now crinkled paper and read the words slowly.

"_There is no length of time that is too long and no distance that is too far. _

_I love you more than life itself. I will wait for you until the day I die."_

I let myself fall back onto my bed, heartbroken by the beautifully tormenting Finnish words. Why couldn't he have just left me to wallow in my despair alone? Why did he have to leave me physical evidence that he ever visited at all? Damn it, Jussi, why did you have to leave a horribly painful reminder that you would be waiting for me, when you knew I wanted to come with you but couldn't? This letter was an agonising reminder that no matter how far away from me he was; his heart always stayed with me.

I left the piece of paper on the bed and walked unsteadily into the bathroom. I almost staggered as I reached for the basin. I was breathing heavily as I turned the tap on to wash my face. The cold water wasn't as refreshing as I'd hoped it would be, it merely made me feel like I might not passed out just yet. I allowed myself to drop down to my knees, unable to support my weight any longer. I wasn't sure how much fight I had left in me. I was so exhausted… I couldn't possibly take anymore.

I lied on the floor for about an hour, torn between thoughts. Do I live or die? So many reasons and so much temptation. I had every reason to kill myself, and I would've liked to think that I had so many reasons to live, but I couldn't possibly lie to myself that much.

I sighed helplessly, "_If there's anyone out there willing to make the decision, I leave it up to you whether I die tonight_."


End file.
